🩺 Written & Medically Reviewed by Dr. G
Board-Certified Pediatrician

Separation anxiety is common in infancy and early childhood and often becomes especially noticeable during the second half of the first year and toddler years.

A child may cry, cling to a parent, resist daycare or preschool, become upset when a parent leaves the room, or struggle at bedtime.

Parents can help by creating short, predictable goodbyes, maintaining consistent routines, practicing brief separations, and calmly reassuring children that they will return.

Avoid repeatedly sneaking away. Although it may prevent an immediate protest, disappearing without saying goodbye can make future separations less predictable.

Talk with your pediatrician when separation anxiety is unusually intense, persistent, worsening, or significantly interfering with your child's everyday activities.

• Separation anxiety is often a normal developmental stage.
• Babies and toddlers may become distressed when a familiar caregiver leaves.
• New schools, daycare, travel, illness, family changes, and unfamiliar caregivers can temporarily increase separation anxiety.
• Keep goodbyes loving, confident, predictable, and relatively brief.
• Tell your child you're leaving rather than secretly disappearing.
• Consistent routines help children know what to expect.
• Avoid repeatedly returning after saying goodbye unless there's a genuine reason.
• Praise your child for coping with separations.
• Significant or persistent anxiety that interferes with normal activities should be discussed with your pediatrician.

You arrive at daycare.

Your child realizes you're about to leave.

Suddenly, they're wrapped around your leg.

“Don't go!”

The tears begin.

Your child reaches for you as the teacher tries to help.

And now you're walking toward the door wondering whether leaving is the right thing to do.

For many parents, separation anxiety is emotionally difficult precisely because your child's distress feels so personal.

But a child becoming upset when you leave doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong.

In many situations, it means something very important has developed:

Your child has formed a strong attachment to you.

The next developmental challenge is learning:

Mom or Dad can leave—and they come back.

That lesson develops through experience.

Separation anxiety doesn't look exactly the same at every age.

Babies

As infants become increasingly aware of familiar and unfamiliar people, they may protest when a parent leaves.

Toddlers

Toddlers have stronger preferences, greater mobility, and powerful emotions but still have a limited understanding of time.

“Mommy will be back after lunch” can feel very different to a two-year-old than it does to an older child.

Preschoolers

Some preschool children continue to struggle with daycare, school drop-off, babysitters, bedtime, or unfamiliar environments.

School-age children

Occasional separation concerns can still occur, particularly during periods of transition or stress.

However, persistent separation fears that interfere with attending school, sleeping independently, participating in activities, or functioning normally deserve closer attention.

d.

Separation anxiety can become more noticeable during periods of change.

Common triggers include:

Starting daycare or preschool

A new environment, new adults, and unfamiliar routines can temporarily increase anxiety.

A new caregiver

Children may need time to become comfortable with babysitters, teachers, or relatives they don't see frequently.

Moving

A new home removes many familiar environmental cues.

Travel

Different beds, schedules, and surroundings can temporarily increase clinginess.

Illness

Children frequently become more dependent on parents when they don't feel well.

Some remain clingier for a period after recovering.

A new sibling

Changes in parental attention and household routines can temporarily affect behavior.

Changes in family routine

A parent returning to work, a new work schedule, or another significant transition may trigger renewed separation concerns.

Temperament

Some children naturally take longer to become comfortable in unfamiliar situations.

1. Create a predictable goodbye

Develop a simple ritual.

For example:

Hug. Kiss. “I love you. I'll be back after snack time.” Goodbye.

Repeating the same routine helps make separation predictable.

2. Keep goodbyes relatively short

Long emotional departures can unintentionally communicate:

Something about this situation is dangerous or uncertain.

Be warm and affectionate—but confident.

3. Tell your child you are leaving

Avoid secretly slipping out while your child is distracted.

It may prevent crying at that moment, but your child can begin wondering when you might disappear again.

Predictability builds trust.

4. Tell your child when you'll return in language they understand

Young children don't understand time like adults.

Instead of:

“I'll be back at 2:30.”

Try:

“I'll be back after your nap.”

or:

“Grandma will stay with you, and I'll come back after dinner.”

Connect your return to something familiar.

5. Practice short separations

Start small when possible.

Leave your child with a trusted caregiver for a brief period and return as promised.

Repeated successful separations help children learn:

My parent leaves. I am safe. My parent returns.

6. Stay calm

Children pay close attention to our faces, voices, and body language.

If you appear frightened or uncertain about leaving, your child may interpret that as evidence that the situation isn't safe.

You can acknowledge the emotion while remaining confident:

“I know you don't want me to leave. You're safe with Grandma, and I'll come back.”

7. Praise coping

Afterward, focus on what your child accomplished.

“You missed me, and you stayed with Grandma while I went to the store.”

This reinforces confidence without dismissing the emotion.

1. Stay as calm as you can

Your child is already dysregulated.

Adding an angry adult usually adds more emotional intensity to the situation.

You don't have to feel perfectly calm. But try to keep your voice and behavior controlled.

Speak slowly.

Use short sentences.

Avoid arguing.

Your calmness provides an example of the regulation you're eventually trying to teach your child.

2. Make safety the priority

If your child is kicking, hitting, biting, throwing objects, or running toward danger, intervene.

Move dangerous objects away.

Move your child to a safer environment when necessary.

You can calmly say:

“I won't let you hit.”

or:

“You're angry, but I won't let you hurt your brother.”

Strong emotions are acceptable.

Hurting someone is not.

3. Don't try to reason extensively during the peak of the tantrum

When your child is screaming uncontrollably, this usually isn't the best time for a lengthy explanation about appropriate behavior.

Keep your words simple.

Instead of:

“We've discussed this before, and you need to understand that when Mommy tells you it's time to leave…”

Try:

“You're upset. It's time to go. I'm here with you.”

Teach the lesson after your child is calm.

4. Acknowledge the feeling

Helping children put words to emotions can gradually build emotional awareness.

You might say:

“You're really disappointed.”

“You wanted to stay at the playground.”

“You're angry that I turned off the tablet.”

Acknowledging your child's emotion doesn't mean you must change your decision.

5. Hold reasonable boundaries

Suppose you tell your child they cannot have candy before dinner.

Your child begins screaming.

If you then give them the candy specifically because they're screaming, your child may learn:

Tantrums sometimes change the answer.

Consistency matters.

You can be compassionate while still saying no.

6. Offer choices when choices are appropriate

Young children want some control over their environment.

Give them appropriate opportunities to have it.

Instead of:

“Get dressed.”

Try:

“Do you want the blue shirt or the green shirt?”

Instead of:

“It's time to brush your teeth.”

Try:

“Do you want to brush first, or should I help first?”

Don't offer a choice when there isn't actually one.

If leaving the playground isn't optional, avoid asking:

“Do you want to go home?”

7. Prepare your child for transitions

Sudden transitions can trigger tantrums.

Try giving warnings:

“Five more minutes, then we're leaving.”

Then:

“Two more minutes.”

Finally:

“It's time to go.”

For younger children, visual timers or consistent transition routines can sometimes help.

8. Notice good behavior

Parents understandably pay attention when children misbehave.

But don't let good behavior become invisible.

Try specific praise:

“You were disappointed, but you used your words. That was a great job.”

“Thank you for coming when I asked.”

“You waited even though it was hard.”

Specific praise helps children understand exactly which behaviors you want them to repeat.

9. Talk about the tantrum after everyone is calm

Keep the conversation short and appropriate for your child's age.

For example:

“You were really angry when we had to leave. It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit. Next time you can say, ‘I'm mad.’”

Then move forward.

Your child does not need a 20-minute lecture.

10. Look for preventable patterns

If tantrums repeatedly occur at 5:30 p.m., consider what else happens at that time.

Is your child hungry?

Tired?

Overstimulated?

Being asked to make a difficult transition?

Sometimes changing the environment works better than repeatedly correcting the behavior.

Don't sneak away

Predictable goodbyes build more trust than disappearing.

Don't shame your child

Avoid:

“Big kids don't cry.”

“You're being a baby.”

Your child is experiencing a genuine emotion.

Don't repeatedly threaten to leave

Statements such as “I'm leaving without you!” can intensify separation fears.

Don't make the goodbye enormous

Five hugs, four returns to the classroom, and repeated reassurance can unintentionally make the separation feel more threatening.

Don't automatically eliminate every separation

Avoidance may provide immediate relief but doesn't always help children develop confidence with manageable separations.

Talk with your pediatrician if your child's separation anxiety:

• seems unusually intense for their developmental stage
• is becoming progressively worse
• continues for an extended period without improvement
• prevents regular daycare or school attendance
• interferes substantially with sleep
• prevents participation in age-appropriate activities
• produces frequent physical complaints around separation
• causes significant distress throughout the family
• is accompanied by other developmental or behavioral concerns

Your pediatrician can help determine whether the behavior represents normal developmental anxiety or whether additional evaluation would be useful.

Separation anxiety itself is generally not a medical emergency.

Seek urgent professional help if a child's behavior creates an immediate safety concern or if there are serious symptoms unrelated to ordinary separation distress.

For non-emergency but significant anxiety that is interfering with your child's functioning, contact your pediatrician rather than waiting for the problem to become severe.

• Your pediatrician may ask:
  • When did the anxiety begin?
  • What situations trigger it?
  • How does your child respond when you leave?
  • How long does the distress last?
  • Does your child eventually settle with another caregiver?
  • Is school or daycare attendance affected?
  • How is your child sleeping?
  • Have there been recent changes at home?
  • Are there other fears or worries?
  • How is your child's development progressing?

• Depending on your child's age and symptoms, your pediatrician may recommend behavioral strategies, developmental screening, collaboration with school or daycare, or evaluation by a child mental-health professional when appropriate.

One of the hardest parts of separation anxiety is that helping your child sometimes requires doing something that temporarily makes them unhappy:

leaving.

Your instinct may tell you to return the moment your child cries.

Instead, think about the lesson you're trying to teach:

“You are safe even when I am not right beside you—and I always come back.”

Say goodbye.

Tell your child you love them.

Tell them when you're coming back.

Then keep your promise.

Every successful separation becomes another small piece of evidence your child can use to build confidence.

You leave. They cope. You return.

And gradually, something that once felt frightening becomes familiar.

— Dr. G

• 
  
  • American Academy of Pediatrics / HealthyChildren.org
  • Centers for Disease Control and Prevention — Developmental Milestones
  • American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
  • National Institute of Mental Health
  • Your child's pediatrician
  
  

• Toddler Temper Tantrums: Causes, What to Do & When to Worry

  Toddler Biting: Why It Happens, What to Do & When to Worry

  
  

This article is intended for general educational purposes and does not replace individualized medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Every child is different. Contact your child's pediatrician if you have questions or concerns about your child's health, development, behavior, or emotional well-being.